I prayed to God for the first time in 13 years

I prayed to God for the first time in 13 years.

It felt foreign.

Even though for 12-year-old me it was a common occurrence to pray.

Not because I was religious, but because I was desperate.

I didn’t like being chubby and insecure.

I didn’t like being made fun of.

I didn’t like not having a father to guide me.

Hell, I didn’t even like who I was.

I was a lost kid, so I turned to the only shred of hope in my life:

I turned to God.

Even though I was unsure if He existed, many nights of the week I’d kneel on my bed, close my eyes, fold my hands, and pray for a better life.

One where I felt belonging, love, and happiness.

Now, a higher power didn’t hand it to me on a silver platter, but it gave me the opportunities to hold myself to a higher standard.

My mom’s boyfriend and I began waking up at 5am and going to the gym; I stopped binging junk food and video games; I was vulnerable and built relationships with role models who entered my life.

It was uncomfortable and hard-fucking work, but I pursued the opportunities given.

And for the first time in my life, I liked who I was becoming.

Now, call it ungratefulness to God or being an unsure kid in life, but I stopped praying.

I started to feel belonging, love, and happiness, so I didn’t feel the need to.

Today, I’d say I’m at the peak of enjoyment in life.

I get to do work that’s fulfilling, I have amazing people in my life, and I am healthy.

But despite this, at the start of 2023, I felt something missing from my life.

A relationship with a higher power.

Whether it be God or spirituality, I wanted to dip my toes in the water.

It was part of the reason I went to an ayahuasca retreat 7 months ago.

Now, the details of the experience are a story for another time, but during the ayahuasca retreat, I felt connected to some sort of higher power.

And it also set me up to learn a powerful lesson afterward:

During the trip, I decided that when I got back home I was going to make an emotional decision to pay $25,000 to someone to help me with my business.

That turned into a shitshow and ended up in me losing the money and costing me more with the secondary effects.

But I wouldn’t change what happened.

Because that lesson recently helped me make a decision with a far greater impact on my life.

There was someone close to me who I emotionally cared for a ton.

But there were things that happened where their values compromised mine in the relationship.

So, I faced a choice:

1) Listen to my emotions and maintain the relationship. Feel security and comfortable, but at the cost of disrespecting myself and my values.

2) Hold myself to a higher standard. Make the hard choice to give up my current happiness and comfort for who I want to become and the life I want to live.

Emotion vs. logic.

Life gave me the lesson months earlier, but was testing to see if I understood.

I didn’t know what to do.

So, like that lost 12-year-old kid, I sat down, closed my eyes, folded my hands, and prayed to God for guidance.

I didn’t know what sign to look for after, but I was desperate for one.

The day passed, and I still wasn’t given “a sign”.

But something in me felt compelled to talk to my close friend, Nick Verge about the situation.

I felt resistance because I knew what advice he’d pop the bubble of rationalization I wanted to live in.

Again, God gave me an opportunity to hold myself to a higher standard.

So, I talked to Nick.

And that conversation made me realize what I needed to do.

Emotionally, I loved this person.

But logically, I knew I couldn’t respect myself if I maintained the relationship.

It was hard ending things, but it was the right choice.

They aren’t a bad person, they just weren’t the right one to be involved in my life.

I felt sadness afterward, but I felt self-respect for abiding by my values and how I believe I deserve to be treated.

Now, I tell you this story because:

1) It’s a form of public therapy for me lol.

And…

2) Because you’re probably in a situation right now where you’re scared to give up what you currently are for who you could become.

• You know the higher version of you is someone who works for themselves, but you’re emotionally attached to the comfort of a predictable paycheck.

• You know the higher version of you is someone who doesn’t tolerate disrespect in your relationships, but you’re emotionally attached to the comfort of not being alone.

• You know the higher version of you exercises and eats clean, but you’re emotionally attached to the comfort of cheap dopamine.

Call it whatever you want.

God, fate, or random events, but life will continue to meet the lowest standards you set for yourself.

So you need to hold yourself to higher ones.

When you fully embrace the concept you will die one day — and actually fucking feel the concept to your core — you’ll understand what decision you need to make.

You are someone worthy of belonging, love, and happiness, so treat yourself like it.

Your Canadian friend,

Dakota Robertson